Effortless Coaching

 

Over the 25 years I have been coaching individuals and teams in organisations, and I have learned that there is one thing that makes a huge difference to the quality and effectiveness of my coaching practice.   That is the extent of my self-awareness in the moment.

The success of any coaching relationship has as much to do with how I am being as it has to do what what I am doing.

My ‘beingness’ has an impact on the coaching relationship in the following ways;

• The more curious and interested I am, the more comfortable and trusting the relationship between coach and coachee becomes.
• The greater my willingness to be vulnerable, the more I use my authentic voice and speak my truth, the easier it is for the coachee to do the same
• The more respect I have for the coachee’s point of view – even when I don’t agree with it – the less need they have to defend or assert a position and the easier it becomes for them to question their own thinking.
• The more aware I am of my own assumptions and judgments, the less need I feel to give advice and the more mental space I have to listen and appreciate.

Taking some time before beginning a coaching session to let go of the mind chatter and be present is one of the most important things you can do for your client.

Register for our Workshop in Glasgow on 30^thOctober to find out more about how you can improve your coaching conversations using Structural Dynamics and Dialogue.

Tickets for Advanced Coaching Conversations; Raising the Bar  are available now through Eventbrite.  Advanced Coaching Conversations

When you can’t make a decision

My sister and I went shopping yesterday. (Yes, I know, we were supposed to be working but that’s a whole other story).  For the first half hour we were all over the place – too much choice; no clear intention; too busy deferring to each other to decide on anything.

Then we remembered the Will Exercises we learned on the Avatar® Course – easy to do and fast results. So we went back to the office, got out our ReSurfacing® Workbooks and did Exercise 2: Awakening the Will.  The objective of the exercise is “to strengthen the will by describing objects“, so we went back to the shop and walked around, each describing out loud items of clothing that caught our attention. After 10 minutes we both felt more relaxed, present and calm and, interestingly, much more focussed on the task in hand.  We completed everything on our shopping list within the hour.

You can experience ReSurfacing Exercise 2 for yourself by following the instructions at http://www.avatarjournal.com/nl/home/exercises/78-ex-2-awakening-the-will.html.

If you would like a copy of ReSurfacing: Techniques for Exploring Consciousness by Harry Palmer then email maggie.williamson@me.com or go to http://avatarbookstore.com. Avatar® and ReSurfacing® are the registered trademarks of Stars Edge Inc.  ©2018 Star’s Edge All rights reserved.

The Hidden Secrets about Coaching

What makes the difference between a good coach and a great coach?

It makes no difference whether you are a professional coach or a leader or manager coaching their staff.  It isn’t the length and variety of experience you’ve had.  It isn’t the coaching model you use, although some are more effective than others.  It isn’t the match of personal styles between you and your coachee; polar opposites can still have really effective coaching relationships.

The secret to great coaching is the work you do on yourself.

Leo Tolstoy once said

“Everyone thinks of changing the world but no one thinks of changing himself’

Ask yourself: What are your mental blind spots?  What beliefs stop you being in real connection with the person or team in front of you?  How effective are you at suspending judgement?  What level of listening are you engaging in? What childhood stories are triggered for you by your coachee’s words or their tone of voice?  How good are you at recognising your own shadow behaviours as they arise and shifting out of them in the moment?  How are your unspoken rules about how people should behave in organisations affecting your interpretation of your coachee’s words and actions?

                           Great leadership and coaching comes from the ability to have honest, courageous conversations.

If you want to learn about taking your coaching conversations to the next level then register for our TASTER SESSION – Advanced Coaching Conversations: Raising the Bar.  Details and tickets are available at Eventbrite

 

‘Young People and Mental Health in a Changing World’

Today is World Mental Health Day and the focus is on young people.  This isn’t something I would normally write about but growing up in the 60’s I had a happy childhood myself and I am deeply saddened by the experiences of so many young people today.

The  World Health Organisation has reported that 50% of all mental illness starts by age 14.

 

Across the world being resilient and having good mental health is challenging for young people in our current climate.  In Western Societies young people have to contend with pressure to do well academically.  Leaving home and starting further education can be times of stress and anxiety.  These feelings, if not addressed, can lead to mental illness.

There are estimated to be over 376,000 young carers in the UK, 45% of whom have reported that they had mental health problems.

The pressures associated with social media, particularly the incidence of cyber-bullying, can negatively affect the self worth and wellbeing of children.

Across the world there are large numbers of young people living in war zones, coping with the impact of natural disasters and famine, or migrating huge distances, often unaccompanied to ‘safe’ countries which then reject them.

In the UK mental health problems affect 1 in 10 children and young people – depression, anxiety and conduct disorders.  70% of them don’t get intervention at an early enough stage.

We adults have unintentionally created a world that is challenging for many children and young people.  It is time for us all to act together to create something different.

Discover how to be an even better coach

Last week I wrote about the importance of the coach’s presence in coaching conversations.  Today I want to focus on another aspect of self-awareness that really helps create great coaching outcomes –  understanding the way you tend to behave in conversation with others.

Knowing my default behaviours enables me to modify them in the moment to create more powerful coaching conversations.  This is particularly useful when I am under stress or when conversation is getting ‘stuck’ and we seem to be going round in circles.

I use the Structural Dynamics Model as the basis of my practice.  Based on the work of Dr David Kantor, it explores:

The Actions we take in conversation. Every conversation has a structure to it – separate from the story we tell each other, or the emotions involved.  Within this structure there are 4 basic speech acts we all use in conversations: Move, Follow, Oppose or Bystand.  My preference is to ‘Move’, to set the direction for the conversation, so there is always the temptation to give instructions or advice. Knowing this, I can choose to act differently.  One of the most valuable actions for a coach is the ability to ‘Bystand’ – to notice what is happening in the conversation and name it.

The types of language we use. My default language is the language of Affect (emotion and feeling) which may not be very impactful for someone whose default is the language of Power (achievement and performance).

The unwritten rules we have about how human interactions should be organized.  My preference is for Open collaborative systems.  I need to be aware that I will always approach my coaching conversations with that filter and I may need to adapt it to work with clients who have a different filter.  Some people, for example,  prefer Closed (hierarchical) systems, others prefer Random (creative) systems.

Knowing my own behavioural preferences means I can be more mindful of my impact on others who are different from me.  I can notice when our coaching conversations are becoming stuck in repeating patterns and act deliberately to change them.

Register for our Workshop– Advanced Coaching Conversations; Raising the Bar – in Glasgow on 30^thOctober to find out more about how you can improve your coaching conversations using Structural Dynamics and Dialogue.  Tickets are available through Eventbrite.

 

Today is World Post Day

I was reading the UN’s list of days of international celebration and discovered that today is World Post Day. The public postal service seems on the surface to be a bit outdated in an age of instant messaging, email and courier services.  However, I did some research and this is certainly not the case.

I found that the public postal network is the world’s largest distribution network with 640,000 outlets.  It employs around 5.5 million people.  It processes and delivers more than 350 billion domestic and international letter post items and over 6 billion parcels and with the growth in e-commerce I doubt if those numbers will reduce anytime soon.

The Universal Postal Union was established in Berne Switzerland in 1874 and is the second oldest international organization worldwide.   It is an agency of the United Nations and has 192 members across the globe.

‘The UPI sets the rules for international mail exchanges and makes recommendations to stimulate growth in mail, parcel and financial services volumes and improve quality of service for customers.’

I offer an apology in advance for talking about Christmas at the beginning of October but this is the time the international and domestic post networks really come into their own as we shop online for gifts, send cards and calendars to friend and family overseas and order from the endless mail order catalogues that seem to come through your door, courtesy of the post.

Let this be a day of appreciation for all that they do.

 

Lessons to improve your coaching practice

Yesterday I wrote about the importance of the coach’s presence in coaching conversations. Today I want to focus on another aspect of self-awareness that really helps create great coaching outcomes –  understanding your own default patterns when interacting with others.

Knowing my default behaviours enables me to modify them in the moment to create more powerful coaching conversations.  This is particularly useful when conversation is getting ‘stuck’ and we seem to be going round in circles or when I feel stressed.

I use the Structural Dynamics Model as the basis of my practice.  It explores:

The Actions we take in conversation. My preference is to ‘Move’, to set the direction for the conversation, so there is always the temptation to give instructions or advice. Knowing this, I can choose to act differently.  I have found that one of the most valuable actions for a coach is the ability to ‘Bystand’ – to notice what is happening in the conversation and name it.

The types of language we use. My default language is the language of Affect (emotion and feeling) which may not be very impactful for someone whose default is the language of Power (achievement and performance).

The unwritten rules we have about how human interactions should be organized.  My preference is for Open collaborative systems.  I need to be aware that I will always approach my coaching conversations with that filter and may need to adapt it to work with clients who have a different filter.  Some people, for example,  prefer Closed hierarchical systems, others prefer Random creative systems.

Knowing my own default behaviours means I can be more mindful of my impact on others who are different from me.  It makes me more respectful of similarity and difference.  I notice when our coaching conversations are becoming stuck in repeating patterns and I can act deliberately to change them.

Contact me if you would like more information about how to uncover and make sense of your own behavioural profile.

or

Register for our Workshop– Advanced Coaching Conversations; Raising the Bar – in Glasgow on 30^thOctober to find out more about how you can improve your coaching conversations using Structural Dynamics and Dialogue.  Tickets are available through Eventbrite.

Better Boardroom Conversations

 

If any boardroom conversation is going to be effective there are four ‘speech actions’ that need to be present:  move, follow, oppose and bystand.  A ‘move’ sets the direction for the conversation, for example, – “Let’s talk about last quarter’s results”.  A ‘follow’ completes and validates a direction – “That’s a good idea, let’s review our performance”.  An ‘oppose’ challenges an action and corrects it- “This isn’t a good time when we don’t yet have all the figures”.  A ‘bystand’ provides perspective and connects competing acts – “I can see we have a difference of opinion, maybe there’s a simple way to resolve it”.

“Conversation is the magic dust that underpins board effectiveness” Good Governance Forum

When a balance of these four speech acts is absent, conversation can become stuck.  Sometimes conversation goes round and round in circles. Sometimes there are lots of ideas but nothing is decided or acted on.   Sometimes it is the same people who are always playing out a ‘right/wrong’ game.

When your board gets good at communicative competency it can recognise and correct imbalances and improve the effectiveness of its’ conversation.  Dr. David Kantor of the Kantor Institute has developed a model to help leaders and their teams to ‘read the room’, to understand what is going on in terms of the four speech actions and to deliberately intervene to create better business conversations.  Contact me to find out more.

 

Compassionate connection is free

Recently I gave some cash to a man standing begging by the side of the road. He had both legs amputated below the knee and spoke with a strong east European accent. I didn’t do the usual thing of putting money in his cup and passing quickly on but stopped to connect and chat.

There was nothing of the sad, depressed, desperate feeling that comes from many of the street people in Edinburgh.

He told me how every day he watches people rushing past him with their heads down. They don’t see him but he sees them. They seem stressed and anxious – always in a hurry. He told me “ I see that their lives are ruled by time. They are governed by their heads and not their hearts”. He smiled. “It is only by connecting from the heart we have a happy life”.

It struck me that we often treat beggars on the street as objects rather than as real human beings – people with their own diverse life stories and feelings. They provide us with the opportunity to practice compassion.

The gift of compassionate connection is free and it is as much a gift to you as it is gift to the other person.

When was the last time you made a change in yourself?

I sometimes get invited in to work with a Board when things are going wrong.  There may be conflict.   Factions may have formed that are dominating the conversation.  Individual board members are seen as ‘not pulling their weight’ There may be group think.  It all adds up to a Board that is performing at less than its full potential.

The message I am often given is- if I could just help ‘Jim Smith’ or ‘Sally Jones’ change, the Board would work well and be more effective.

I treat such diagnoses with caution.   If you have ever tried fixing the person ‘out there’, then good luck with that.  I expect it has caused you great frustration and you have not had much success.

Actually the real issue may be as simple as a clash of ‘models’ – ways of seeing the world.  It may be more about the structure of our conversation than it is about the content.  If we can deepl listen and suspend our assumptions for a moment, along with our need to be ‘right’, we might discover the underlying structure of our conversation and change it.

I am a firm believer that the only person you can change is you and interestingly enough when you make a change in yourself the world around you also changes.  New ways of seeing things emerge, new solutions to problems occur to you, people around you become more cooperative.

There are two ways I know for this change or ‘awakening’ to come about.  The first involves an external shock such as being sacked or being removed from a Board, or unsolicited feedback from the Chair, redundancy from your day job, divorce even.

The second is to become more self-aware, develop our own communicative competency and understand our behavioural preferences.  We can learn to ‘read the room’ and intervene deliberately to change the nature of our conversations and up our game.

Which would you prefer?

Boardroom Development helps individual leaders, boards and executive teams create viable, sustainable change in low and high stakes situations.  To find out more go to our website www.boardroomdevelopment.com and sign up for our newsletter.  Or you can call Margaret Williamson on 07767 225813 or email Margaret@boardroomdevelopment.com.

“The Modern World is full of opportunities to meet new people but we seldom take them”

Yesterday I went to an event on “Collaborative Peer Learning – Conversations for Transformation”.  It was held at Loretto Care’s Learning Academy; a great space located behind an unprepossessing fr…

Source: “The Modern World is full of opportunities to meet new people but we seldom take them”